Kennel Hall
The historic first-year dorm. Doubles and triples, communal water bowls, and a lobby with the best afternoon sun on campus. Quiet hours are 10 PM to 6 AM and have never once been observed.
Campus Life
750 acres of foothills, and every one of them has been sniffed.
Our fictional campus borrows the very real beauty of Upstate South Carolina: Blue Ridge views, a lake, waterfalls downtown, and a greenway trail that goes on forever. Then we let 2,900 animals loose on it.
The Setting
Upstate South Carolina, from a dog's-eye view
Furrman's imaginary campus sits at the base of Paris Mountain, just north of Greenville. To the north, the Blue Ridge Escarpment rises like a wall of very large things to bark at. Table Rock and Caesars Head are a short (human) drive away and offer excellent smells at elevation. To the south, downtown Greenville's Falls Park and its waterfall provide our Aquatic students with a field station and our Canine students with an ill-advised swim.
Running past it all is the Swamp Rabbit Trail, a 20-plus-mile greenway that is, to a dog, the single greatest idea humans have ever had. We did not name it. We have petitioned, repeatedly, to be allowed to.
- Lake Sniffalot: swimming permitted, encouraged, and inevitable
- The Howl Tower: rung at dinner, and whenever anyone sees anything
- The Oak Grove: home to the Squirrel Studies field station, 137 years and counting
- Paris Mountain Sniffing Trail: 4.2 miles, 4,000 smells, one very tired human
Housing
Residence halls
First-year students are required to live on campus, except for cats, who are required to live wherever they want.
The Cattery
Upperclass housing for Feline Studies. Single occupancy. Absolutely no visitors. Every unit includes a windowsill, a high shelf, and a box the resident will prefer to the bed.
The Aviary Suites
Perch-style living with mirrors in every room. Wake-up call is provided at 6:00 AM by the residents, to the entire campus, whether requested or not.
Terrarium Terrace
Climate-controlled housing for reptiles and small mammals. Heat lamps in every unit. Lids are secured nightly and are found open every morning. Facilities is baffled.
The Fishbowl
Transparent living for aquatic students. Includes a castle, a plastic plant, and a small ceramic diver who has been the R.A. since 1974 and has never resolved a single dispute.
The Couch
Off-campus housing, technically. Allowed on the couch. This is the most requested housing assignment on campus and is limited to students who have mastered THEA 240 (Pretending You Haven't Been Fed).
Dining
The Bowl and beyond
The Bowl, our main dining hall, offers an unlimited kibble plan and is refilled twice daily, which the student body considers a human-rights violation. Meals are served at 7 AM and 5 PM, and lobbied for continuously in between.
The Counter Surf Café operates on an honor system. The honor system has failed. The café's signature item is "whatever you left out," served at counter height.
Late-Night Kibble is available in every residence hall from 3 AM to 3:15 AM, coinciding with the Feline Hallway Sprint (HUNT 210).
Please note: drinking from the toilet is not permitted in any dining facility. Kennel Hall residents are exempt, because we have given up.
Student Organizations
Over 60 clubs, most of them about the same squirrel
The Roomba Resistance
A grassroots movement dedicated to defeating the robot. Meets Tuesdays. Has never defeated the robot. Membership includes one cat who rides the Roomba and is considered a double agent.
Society for the Preservation of the Sun Spot
Advocates for the sun spot's continued existence and its fair allocation. Fair allocation is defined as "whoever got there first, and it's a cat."
Furrman Debate Union
This year's resolution: "Who's a good boy? A rhetorical investigation." Both teams have argued the affirmative. The judges are also good boys.
Model United Neighborhoods
Students represent rival yards in structured negotiation over fence-line territory. Talks break down every session when someone sees a cat.
The Bark Choir
Open-audition a cappella. Repertoire: sirens, the ice cream truck, and a haunting rendition of the doorbell. Performs at every home game and most funerals, uninvited.
Greek Life
Alpha Woof Woof (dogs), Kappa Purr (cats, membership by invitation, invitations never sent), Delta Chirp (birds), and Sigma Squeak (small mammals, house located inside a wall).
Pre-Vet Society
Prepares students for the vet by practicing recognizing the carrier and leaving the room. Meets wherever the carrier isn't.
Outdoor Club
Weekend trips to Table Rock, Jones Gap, and Caesars Head for hiking, sniffing, and swimming in things you were told not to swim in. Bring your human; they carry the snacks.
The Furrman Paladin, student newspaper
Weekly. Every headline since 1889 has been about the squirrel. Op-ed page is chewed before it can be read.
Traditions
Things we do every year for reasons no one remembers
Howlcoming
Every October, alumni return to campus to howl at the Howl Tower, chase the same squirrel they chased as undergraduates, and pee on the oak they peed on in 1998. The Howlcoming parade features the Pawladin mascot and one float, which is a couch.
The Ring Ceremony
Juniors receive their class ring in a solemn ceremony, then immediately play ring toss with it. Rings are recovered from the lake each spring by the Aquatic Studies department, who keep them.
Commencement
Graduates walk across the stage without stopping to sniff anything. This is the entire requirement and roughly 40% of the class fails it, is applauded anyway, and receives a diploma, which they eat.
Move-In Day
Families arrive with blankets that smell like home. Students immediately roll on every other student's blanket so that all blankets smell like everyone. Move-in is followed by a group nap.
Spring Sniff
The first warm weekend of spring, the entire student body simultaneously discovers that the ground smells different now and refuses to come inside. Classes are cancelled. They were going to be cancelled anyway.
The 2:00 PM Drill
Daily. Campus-wide. The mail carrier arrives, and every canine student, in every building, informs everyone. The drill has been successful every day since 1826; the mail has never once gotten away with it.
Health & Counseling
The Separation Anxiety Support Group meets whenever you leave. The Counseling Center offers belly rubs, chin scratches, and someone to sit by the door with you. Veterinary services are provided off-campus, by surprise.
Campus Safety
Furrman Campus Safety is staffed 24/7 by a team of geese we did not hire. Emergency alerts are issued via the Howl Tower and, redundantly, by every dog on campus at once.
Career Services
Top employers of Furrman graduates include: the couch, the yard, the window, and Grandma. Our alumni network is extensive and mostly asleep. Résumé workshops focus on the head tilt.